1. The third syllable on line 2 ("va-") should have a psefiston underneath the oligon, because it is followed by more than one descending note that has the same duration as it.
2. The melodies on line 2-4 keep going between Di and Zo. I think it would sound less monotonous if we could put a little more variety in there. Also I think the phrase "Prepare, O cave, the Virgin" would work out better if it were a heirmologic bridge. I would suggest something like this:
Then the melody can continue as you have it with "draw-" on Zo (as an oligon).
3. The syllable "joice" in line 5 has to be an oligon with a psefiston instead of a petaste, because it is followed by two descending notes of the same duration.
4. In line 7, you have placed a vertical line before the word "the" to show that it is emphasized. But since this word is not supposed to be emphasized, it would be better not to. This can be fixed by simply using only an oligon as the melody for this word. This will also make superfluous the "3" at the end of the previous line, and the vertical line I mentioned.
5. Line 8 has essentially the same Di-Ke-Zo-Ke-Di melodic movement as the previous line. To avoid this repetition, we can make the words on line 8 into a heirmologic bridge as follows:
and then continuing with your melody for "risen up as the sun."
6. There are, however, two things I don't like about the melody for "risen up" as it is. The first thing is that the melody sounds very similar to the melody used earlier for "draweth nigh". The other thing is that it doesn't emphasize the word "up" enough. I think "risen up as the sun" should be treated as a 101001 phrase rather than a 100001 phrase, which is what your melody is. Although there aren't any 101001 melodies in my list of formulas, we can easily make our own by adding a heirmological bridge to a 01001 or 1001 formula. There are several ways this could be done, but my preference would be to use the 1001 formula on p. 106 preceded by the word "risen" as follows:
7. The original melody in Greek has an interesting twist to it: for the words "mountains and ye hills" (ὄρη καὶ βουνοί), the melody ascends in the hard chromatic scale to High Nee. Incidentally, both the Greek and the English for this phrase have a 10001 accentuation pattern. So we might as well take advantage of our good fortune to preserve the original melody. To do so, we will have to use a heirmologic bridge for the words preceding the word "mountain", which are: "Hearken ye". A simple melody that would work fine is:
Now we have ended up at high Nee with the word "hills". To get back down to Di, we have the phrase: "and ye lands round about Judea", which has a 001001010 accentuation pattern. Unfortunately for us, there is no such formula in the "Nee-Di" section on p. 121 of the formulas. When all else fails, "cheat"! What I mean is that we can try to "steal" some formulas from sticheraric plagal second mode, considering that what we're really looking for is a formula that goes from Di to Pa in plagal second mode. Fortunately for us, there are indeed some 1001010 formulas to choose from on p. 539. Any version would work fine.
Since we found a 1001010 formula for our 001001010 phrase, the last thing we need to take care of now, is to make a heirmologic bridge that will account for the preceding words "and ye". I think using an ison for each would be just fine:
8. The concluding words on page 2 are: "that He might save man whom He fashioned, since He is the friend of man." Since this phrase is much too long to set to music as a single phrase, I believe that it should be broken down into two groups where the comma is in the middle, instead of before the word "whom". So we'll have:
"that He might save man whom He fashioned" and
"since He is the friend of man."
The first of these two phrases is probably a 010010010 phrase. I say "probably", because some people might think that the word "save" should be emphasized more than the following word "man". If we choose to emphasize "man", then the 010010 formula at the bottom of p. 101 will work fine. Or if you'd rather emphasize "save", then we can use a 100010 or 10X010 formula on p. 102. The choice is yours. Just bear in mind that we want to join it with the following words. Since the following words ("since He is the friend of man") begin on the upbeat (i.e., not on an emphasized syllable) we will have to make the last not of the previous formula be a one-beat note if we want a smooth transition.