It's alright for the most part, but there are a couple of minor things that ought to be changed:
1. The first word in this troparion is "hearken," and the melody for it is simply two isons. Although it is not absolutely necessary that the melody emphasizes the accented syllable of every word, since this is a verb it really should be emphasized by the melody. So I think it would be better to replace those two isons with a petaste and an apostrophos.
2. The "3" at the end of the first line (and the vertical line at the beginning of the next line) are unnecessary since there is no change in rhythm that would require them.
3. There should be a "3" on line 6 above the word "born" and a vertical line after "a".
4. The petaste at the beginning of line 9 should be an oligon with a psefiston, since it is followed by more than one descending note.
5. On the same line, the jump of two for the word "Him" should not have a psefiston, since it is followed by only one descending note. Instead, it should be an oligon above a petaste.
6. Something tells me that the melody at the end of the first page is not ideal, because it has four consecutive "Nee's". Perhaps this is permissible, but I'm not sure. Can you remember if any sticheraric troparion in first mode does this? If you can't, I think you should change it. A simple way to avoid all those consecutive "Nee's" is to make the melody for "and with the co-" go: Ga, Vou, Pa, Nee.
7. According to rule #32 in my collection of rules of Byzantine music orthography, there must be a dot to the right of the second-to-last gorgon in line 2 of page 2.
8. The first note on line 3 of page 2 should have a "3" above it, and there should be a vertical line after the syllable "pre-".
9. In line 4 of page 2, the last syllable of "Bethlehem" is held for only one beat. But since this word is followed by a semicolon, there should be more of a pause in the melody. Therefore, it would be better to hold the syllable "hem" for two beats by adding a klasma. Even though this necessitates adding a "3" for the rhythm (which can be awkward at times), I think it is worth it.
10. In line 5 of page 2, the words "Eden" and "open" repeat the same melody at different pitches. The rhythm is also a little awkward because of the "3" that was necessary to add. To avoid these problems, we can simplify "Eden" to merely a petaste and an apostrophos.
11. In the next line, the phrase "For He Who Is" is treated as a 1001 phrase. But I think it should be pronounced more like a 0101 phrase. To accommodate for this, I think the melody would be better if it were as follows:
For - Pa (ison)
He - Pa (ison with or without a petaste)
Who - Nee (apostrophos)
Is - Pa (oligon)
This would mean that a "3" would be placed above the previous word "gate," and a vertical line would be inserted after the word "For."
12. In lines 8-10 of page 2, the melody for the phrase "Fashioner of all creation taketh form" is three individual sticheraric formulas put together. The problem with this is that in general, it is against the rules to use more than one sticheraric formula for a single phrase. What I mean by a "single phrase" is a phrase that cannot be broken down into smaller parts, either because there is a comma in the middle of it, or because the phrase could be pronounced as if there were a comma in the middle of it. In order to avoid breaking this unwritten rule, composers of Byzantine music use for the first few syllables of a phrase what I call a "heirmologic bridge" or "filler notes." For this particular phrase, a set of filler notes that would work fine are:
the - Di
Fash - Ke
ion - Di
er - Ga
of - Vou
all - Ga
cre - Ga
a - Di
tion - Ga
13. In the second-to-last line on page 2, the phrase "even He that granteth" is a 100010 phrase. There is a melody for this phrase on p. 68 of my formulas that would work fine. It's the same as your melody, with the exception that it begins with a petaste and an apostrophos instead of just two isons. Since the first word "even" ought to be emphasized by the melody, I think that formlua on p. 68 would be better.