Thank you very much for your feedback! As for the choice of mode, there have been First Mode Typica before, such as the Ormylia one posted here, also the Romeiko Ensemble one (albeit an unusual First Mode), and also one I found on the "100 Byzantine Music Books" DVD in Poimenikos Aulos, Vol. 2 by Cosmas Madytinos (only 1st Stasis, also an unusual First Mode, at least to my limited experience). But I admit that I did not base mine on any of these, nor on anything else except the general patterns of Heirmologic First Mode. With doxastica and other more melismatic melodies I can see why this is desirable and important, but with plain heirmologic melodies it seems both more difficult and less important to closely base it on a prototype. Especially heirmologic first mode where there's not a very wide or colorful palette of formulae to choose from. But let me know if and why I'm wrong about that.
I also admit that I do not know the Orthography rules very well, and I carelessly presumed that strictly sticking to Fr. Ephrem's formulae would make the orthography naturally fall in place, but I can see after a quick review that there are some really obvious mistakes at the "seams" between formulae. I apologize that I posted this without at least taking the time to learn well and apply the orthography rules.
A critique of the actual melody would still be much appreciated if anyone has the time (and doesn't see the piece as totally outside of the tradition, because of the mode, the lack of prototype, or the abbreviation of the 1st stasis). I intended to do the rest of the 1st stasis eventually, but this bit was all that was practically needed at the moment, so I wanted to get feedback before actually using it in worship.
Thank you for your time; sorry if I'm wasting it...